My Restore Story: Wrapping Up
My husband Slater and I decided to participate in Restore largely to process through a sexual assault I had experienced in high school but hadn’t really processed until right after we got married.
Prior to Restore, I would describe myself as very me-focused. I now know that trauma and sin have a way of keeping your head below the clouds, thinking that what is before you is all that there is. In July, I wrote in my journal that I think about the assault nearly every day. Even when hearing other peoples’ stories about their own suffering, particularly if it dealt with abuse of any kind, made me think only about myself. I was unable to mourn with them and unable to offer them any hope because my own suffering felt meaningless.
Restore taught me a number of things, but as I look back through my journal responses to the material, there was a progressive shift in how I thought about what had happened to me. In the thick of the tragedy, I became less me-focused and more God-focused which led to me being more others-focused.
A huge part of shifting how I viewed my story was learning about God’s intention for us to experience him deeply. Rather than feeling forgotten or abandoned, I had begun to realize that in a way that may appear backwards to the outside world, God had certainly not forgotten about me. In fact, calling out this part of my story is proof that God has never and will never forsake me.
While preparing this reflection this week, I read 2 Corinthians 4:17: “For this light momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.” Nothing about the rape feels light or momentary. On my worse days, it is the heaviest and most permanent part about me. On October 23, after reflecting on Lesson 4 and how God created us to experience him intimately, I wrote, “I’d like to think that the rape was beyond God’s control, but it wasn’t. That is painful. And yet, I have experienced God more fully because of it. And so have others. Because God’s intention all along was deep, rich communion, in a weird way, this make sense.”
So, although this part of my story is painful, I can confidently say that it has prepared me for eternity, because through it I have experienced God more intimately than I ever have before. I look ahead to the unseen eternal things—when Christ returns and renews my body and mind and the tragedy that was once center-stage becomes something I can’t even remember.”
