Jennifer’s Story: Letting God’s Love Be the King of My Castle
I had fooled myself into believing that the castle of my heart was warm and welcoming to God, my spouse, and my chosen few. That was a fantasy I wanted myself and others to believe. In reality, I knew I had become the queen of my heavily-fortressed castle in order to protect myself from the recurring themes of mistrust, rejection, being unheard, and being controlled by men.
I had learned to appear to live relationally with my spouse, friends, and even with God, enough that few would question the authenticity. And while it was real, I knew I was holding back my most intimate self in order to protect the deepest recesses of my untrusting broken heart—because I knew I would be rejected, lied to, and broken yet again if I let the wall down. This really showed up in my marriage in my responses to conflict, my ability to have deep and meaningful conversations, to relinquish control of situations, and to share intimate thoughts and feelings. This fear of vulnerability showed up in my relationship with God too. I could trust God for my eternal salvation and for other’s day to day lives, but I could not trust Him deeply with control of my own life, because of the terror of being abandoned and hurt.
But I have watched God begin a miraculous work in my marriage over the last year, as well as a deep and intimate personal work in myself. I am still terrified sometimes because I am not in control. I am terrified to trust this “man,” God, that is healing me and our marriage, and is in control and not me.
Psalm 139 has been particularly precious to me during my time with Restore these last 12 weeks, as it has been a reminder that my story was sovereignly written by Him for me, for His glory and my good. He knew my story and knew me BEFORE I was even born. Vs. 16 gives me hope that He sees me, He hears me, He isn’t surprised, and He isn’t going anywhere. He has me, and I can bank on that. “Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them.”
As I have walked through Restore Marriage with my husband and our group, I have never experienced such a tender working of the Holy Spirit in my life and such a call to deep surrender. This has been a time of His Holy Spirit really doing some deep surgery on my heart, but in a loving way, pointing out my lack of trust, my fear of trust, and my false sense of self control. I pridefully thought I was already abiding in Christ, when honestly, I was living “for God” instead of “WITH” God. It was sincere, but full of terror and walls. “Experiencing God compels us to live for Him.”
2 Cor 5:14-15 says “For Christ’s love compels us because we are convinced that one died for all and therefore all died. And He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again.” Without trust IN God and in HIS story our view of reality will always be confused. The more I have allowed my walls to begin to crumble, the more I can see God’s hand in the reality of my story. The more I have allowed Godly friends and mentors to love me and walk with me, the more I am seeing why I need community and that it is ok to begin to build Godly and close friendships and family. They help me to see my life and my story in the reality of Christ!
“As you receive God’s love , you are compelled to live for Him rather than for yourself, trusting and obeying Him because you delight in Him, not merely because it is your duty.” The walls haven’t completely fallen, YET, but they are quickly crumbling the more I am beginning to abide in Christ and commune with HIM and open my heart to trust Him in relationship and receive His love. As I am realizing that nothing can separate me from HIS love and that HE has written and IS writing my story, the walls with my husband and our very unique love story have crumbled too, and I am so excited to see what God does in this new season.
Out of this 12 weeks and all that has happened, what I can say is my heart knows one thing—I wouldn’t trade what I have walked for any amount of money, status, or world good. Psalm 84:10 says. “For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wickedness. For the Lord God is a sun and shield the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.”
As I move ahead, I know God is calling me to continue to learn to abide in Him and journey with Him as I learn to trust His love, and trust the marriage and community that He has so graciously given to me.
-Jennifer, KY
