Elise’s Story: Seeing How God Sees Me
I prefaced my testimony with the fact that my story and situation hasn't changed since Restore started, but I felt like God grabbed my little noggin and said "No, no. Look at it from here."
Prior to Restore, I had sin in my life’s story that I wanted to hide or wished could be erased from my story, because it felt so distant from the person I am today. I felt fully at the mercy of my mind; compulsively running scenarios in my mind that kept me distracted on a regular basis, followed immediately by shame for not being able to focus or feeling like I couldn't control them. I constantly wondered "what ifs" until my brain would run out of alternate endings. Fantasy is a key theme of my story.
I felt God was distant when things didn't turn out how I imagined, or disappointed and frustrated with me when I lost focus on Him. I know now that my thoughts had become cloud coverage. Whether it was environmental or self inflicted, the reality of God's intent for my relationship with him had been blurred. I had allowed for much commentary on my identity to take root where it had no place, and become unaware of the ways it had manipulated my view of God and myself.
But because it was simply cloud coverage of spiritual warfare, it's combatable. I have Christ as my reference point and the Word to meditate on. Both of these things reset my spiritual equilibrium when my thoughts feel chaotic.
I am confident now, that God is not only patient in this season as I am learning and seeking his face, but was also patient and gentle with me when I was in full rebellion. The memories I wanted to erase made room for His glory, and now draw me to deeper intimacy and understanding of His character.
He is patient now when my thoughts are wild. He doesn't simply long for me to make them stop, but to surrender them to Him. To let Him meet me there. He is not annoyed with my yearnings, but desires to perfectly satisfy them. Perfectly. He crafted my mind. He gave me His word to align my mind with His. And He never tires to thinking wonderful things about me.
So what has he called me to do? Less. Less striving and stretching my neck out to be seen and known. Less obsessing over figuring out what to do next or what may be coming. More abiding. More resting. More introspection of the root of my thoughts and what the Lord invites me to in Truth. He calls me to remember the sparrows and the lilies; the provision, protection and beauty he bestows upon them. If He loves me all the more, what good would he not do for me?
I know that His presence alone is my goodness, so I am called to just be with Him, and to rest in the hope of a time when I will not only have no more presence of evil, but no knowledge of it. My eyes and my mind will be so full of his goodness that my thoughts then will only rest on Him and singing His praise.
- Elise, KY
