My Restore Story: Reframing My Reality Through the Lenses of the Fall
“Right now, I can’t imagine not feeling a sense of guilt. Was it seriously out of my control? I’m living as a victim, and I don’t deserve to.” September 26, 2019
Pain often leaves us feeling misunderstood. Satan has a way of making us feel as if our struggles are unique.
I had experienced this whenever I shared with someone about the assault. I resented their empathy. “What do they know? They don’t know what it’s like.” My heart could be remarkably callous towards others trying to encourage me from a place of understanding. Since the people caring for me often hadn’t experienced abuse, I easily brushed off their sincere encouragement with “they don’t get it.”
Unique, But Common
During the first lesson of Restore, we talked about our stories being both unique and common. The details of our story are unique to us. Even other men and women who have experienced sexual abuse have different stories than I do. Perhaps that’s why we grimace whenever someone tries to encourage us by saying, “I know exactly how you feel.”
At the same time, our stories are also quite common. All of us are living in a fallen world and deal with the common struggles that sin causes. We walked through how each of the common struggles—fantasy, guilt, shame, fear, anger, and sorrow—each became a normal part of the human experience because of the fall. I realized that at different parts of my life, I had wrestled with each of those struggles, and so had many of the members of our group. In that particular season, I knew I was struggling most with fantasy and guilt.
One of the primary ways I had been coping with the grief of the assault was through fantasy, imagining something other than my God-given reality. Whenever I felt anxious or sad, I imagined a groom comforting a bride who had been raped in childhood. Usually, I’d let my mind wander until the anxiety in my body ceased. I had never thought about fantasy being destructive, until a friend pointed out that we only have one brain. “Fantasy distorts our reality,” she told me. Like Satan did in the garden, fantasy takes us captive by hollow philosophies. During Restore, I realized that I used my fantasy as a means of acquiring comfort apart from God.
The assault had also left me consumed with guilt, or pain associated with something I had done wrong. I was obsessed with what I could have done differently, and I often felt nervous that I wasn’t remembering all of the details correctly. Whenever I talked about it, even in my journals, I felt the need to go over the event in gruesome detail to convince myself of what had happened. It was almost easier to believe I could have done something to prevent the abuse. The guilt was so pervasive that I couldn’t imagine not feeling it.
Oddly enough, realizing the way the common struggles were wreaking havoc on my own life wasn’t the most powerful part of the evening. During the first lesson, our leaders shared their own stories to demonstrate what we would be doing the following week. As I listened to each of them, I was shocked by how similar their stories were to mine and my husband’s.
Although the details of their stories were unique, they were also grappling with guilt and fantasy, among other struggles. I thought I’d have a hard time focusing as they talked since I was feeling very fearful about sharing my own story. Instead, I felt relief wash over me as each person shared parts of their heart with the group. I felt comforted by God in the presence of other believers who were struggling with common things like me.
Over the next few weeks, we’ll be sharing how Restore has shaped one woman’s life, and helped bring the healing of God’s love into her story. Interested in having God’s story speak into yours? Check out Restore: Changing How We Live and Love today.
