Restore Testimony: Hope in the Midst of Ministry Hurt
When I first entered into the Restore experience, I was entering one of the most challenging seasons of my life.
My reality was one of ever-deepening depression and disillusionment driven by ministry trauma and the way in which my heart was responding to that trauma. My day-to-day relationships in the ministry I worked for at the time were characterized by betrayal, manipulation, and a passive hostility that seems to breed particularly in ministry contexts. I showed up to Restore with my emotions locked in the basement of my heart.
When we started, I struggled to connect with Scripture, to connect with other believers, and to see how God could be at work in my life. I battled fears of being transparent, the temptation to hide behind nice platitudes (“How are you?” “I’m fine.”); all the while, I was desperate for relief from the relational pain I was experiencing in ministry.
And yet, God used the grace-filled structure of Restore to reframe the most painful chapters of my story in the most beautiful of ways.
In the early weeks, I shared my story and God enabled me to share how hurt and weary I was. The response of the group was sorrow and sympathy. I received encouragement that God sees and cares about my pain, but no one attempted to “fix” my struggles or my story. This atmosphere of safety, sympathy, and grace was soothing to my soul. I felt heard, accepted, and safe. Hearing others share their stories helped me take the spotlight off of my life and notice the grace of God at work in their lives, which gave me hope that God might just be at work in my pain in ways I wasn’t aware of or able to see.
During the remainder of Restore, God enabled me to see how my present struggles were connected to deep-seated past struggles and that my past and present are rooted in God’s reality. I struggle with passive-aggressive coworkers, in part, because I grew up in an environment of passive aggression. But I am not defined by my past any more than I am defined by my present. God does not leave me in my suffering and sin, and He defines who I am in Christ.
“But I am not defined by my past any more than I am defined by my present. God does not leave me in my suffering and sin, and He defines who I am in Christ.”
One of the most powerful aspects of Restore is the final 30-45 minutes spent abiding in God’s Word. This is unhurried time spent listening to God’s Word read aloud and personally reflecting on questions that tuned my ears to hear God speaking. As we spent time abiding in God’s Word, His Spirit opened my ears to hear. His words of comfort soothed my weary soul. God is with me, He loves me, He protects me, He hears my cries and comes near.
Each week, I left Restore more calm, rested in my heart, and encouraged to rest in Him. It impacted my week. Challenging conversations at work did not ruin me as they once had. This allowed me to be more patient and less reactive and defensive with my wife and kids at home because I was not living in constant emotional turmoil.
As a pastor, I know intellectually and have experienced the reality of God’s abiding presence and the way in which the Spirit empowers change within the hearts of believers. The gospel-centeredness and structure of Restore lovingly and winsomely pressed me to slow down, to process both with God and others in ways that move below the surface and get to the heart.
The result for me was to see that ministry trauma does not define me, that I am unconditionally loved by God in Christ, and that my anger at God and others is disastrous to my own soul and my relationships. God used Restore to sanctify me.
By the end of Restore, my circumstances in ministry were still as bad as they had ever been. Yet I was able to share with my Restore group that I was less shaken by my reality because I could see how God was at work growing my faith, growing my dependency on Him, and helping me love others, even my enemies.
Alan, PCA Minister
