Restore Testimony: From Anger to Love
Growing up I had a longing for things to be different, better, deeper.
As a girl, I would collect materials from around the house and use them to build additions onto my dollhouse. I thought, “With just a little will-power, creativity, and work, I can make this the DREAM house it was destined to be!” I would work to the best of my ability, only to be let down at the end, when my finished product never turned out the way that I had envisioned. I was left discouraged and let down. I imagined that if someone, anyone, could have caught my vision and helped me it would have all worked out!
I had similar ambitions when I entered into marriage and full-time ministry alongside my husband fifteen years ago. I had glorious expectations of what the Lord had for me in my role as a wife, as well as working at a church. Deep community, humble collaboration, faith-filled adventure and God’s favor were just a few of the visions that danced before my expectant eyes! Shortly after being married and in ministry I realized that living in my new roles didn’t add up to life in the Promised Land.
There is a theme of anger in my life. The Restore curriculum defines anger as “a strong feeling of displeasure or hostility in response to someone or something that opposes what you value.” The example from childhood of my dollhouse is a seemingly insignificant story, but as it turns out, the Lord used that memory to give me a small glimpse into the good, bad, and ugly of my heart.
The “good” in my heart was the desire for things to be cultivated into their fullest potential. My creativity and vision for a better version of things and circumstances was a way that I imaged my Creator who is in the business of making all things new. The “bad” happened when I narrowly assumed what I envisioned and the outcomes I valued as akin to what God had in mind as well. The “ugly” of my heart would come out when those values were opposed and I’d become bitter, angry, and place blame on others. This happened in friendships, family relationships, marriage, and in ministry.
This anger was a common struggle that I have seen throughout my life. I learned in Restore that “…common struggles become sinful when they drive how we live more than faith, and when they result in self-preoccupation rather than in loving God and others.” This self-preoccupation and pride led me to be angry with God and blame Him for outcomes that weren’t to my preference.
I viewed God through a broken lens and questioned if I could trust Him as my refuge and help in time of need. Did He really love me? Did He care about the things on my heart? I knew the “right” answer to these questions, but I wasn’t able to relate to Him that way.
I needed the Lord to do His own remodel in my heart, and it was through abiding in His Word, week after week, with my brothers and sisters, that the remodel took place.
One of the most beautiful things that happens in Restore is the constant reminder of God’s story of love. While meditating week after week on scripture passages like Psalm 46, Isaiah 55, and Revelation 21, I began to see my story in light of God’s loving and redeeming work through Christ. The gospel was becoming clearer and I had a greater awareness of my own sin and tendency to slip back into self-preoccupation. God was gracious toward me, as were the people who journeyed alongside me.
As God’s light shone on my struggles and brokenness, grace and love abounded.
In Rev. 21 John describes our future reality--a Holy City, prepared as a bride, beautifully dressed for her husband. God is (and has been) working on our behalf, to prepare a “dream” house for us where we will be His people and He will be our God. Every tear will be wiped away and every longing of my heart will be satisfied in Him. He is redeeming those He loves and is patiently sanctifying us daily.
This reality of His love changes everything.
Devon, Pastor’s Wife
Want to see how Restore: Changing How We Live and Love can transform your life? Grab your copy on Sept. 14th, and let God renovate your story and soul!